Happy Halloween!

Started cramping last night and thought AF might appear, but ended up just being gassy. Thank goodness because it's a little early for her to show up.

The song from yesterday is Twinkle, by Tori Amos. She is very, uh...unique, but she is one of the most talented musicians EVAR. This is a nice version. The song actually starts 1:00 in, and I've never heard that beginning part, but it's probably just a little something that popped into her head before she started the song. She does that sometimes.

♫ Sure, that star can twinkle. And you're watching it do...

I wanna play a little game with my readers. I am a HUGE music freak and at any given moment, there is some song or another running through my head. I literally have a continuous soundtrack (of just about everything except Countrypop) running through my head as I go about living. Sometimes it's really annoying and sometimes it's awesome.

So when I feel like it, I'll post lines from songs in the titles of my updates, marked by the music notes, and if you know the song/artist, please reply!

Today I went out and ran my errands, spending a crap load of moola in the process. I bought 3 fraking pairs of boots. It seems like a lot, but damn it I needed them. One pair for work with heels (I wear suits), one for jeans w/o heels and a pair of $20 wally world snow boots to walk the dog in during the winter.

Then I went to Bedbath&beyond and spent another small fortune. I finally got stuff to stage my dining room table. It's purdy, but my dumb ass only bought one set of dishes so I have to go back at some point and get another for the second placing. I may just exchange the set and only buy the single plates. I also bought the Ninja Master food processor which has great reviews. I am considering making my own baby food when the time comes and really wanted a blender/processor that I could use for that as well as all the other normal things like milkshakes (I used my 20% off coupon too!).

While I was at BB&B, a strange domesticity came over me, which forced me to buy cookie cutters, a rolling pin, a baking rack and spatula. I must make holiday cookies, and I'm excited about it. This is so unlike me it's not even funny. You just don't know how out of character this is. On top of it all, I have been in an UNfrakingBELIEVABLY good mood. Like, I wonder if they spiked my sandwich with something... I can't explain it. This afternoon, I have been acting completely abnormal and totally out of character. My friends/family/coworkers wouldn't recognize me. I just don't know what's up. Maybe it's the weather. Or that I finally got a good night's sleep last night.

♫ It's been one week (since you looked at me)

Today is 7dpIUI#2

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking these past 7 days about the next steps. I am pretty convinced this IUI didn't work. I will be able to do IUI#3 in November, but I'll be traveling in December so I'll have to skip that month. I have been doing a lot of thinking about IVF which will cost me one of the following options:

Single cycle - $8,900
Pregnancy guarantee (4 cycles) - $19,500
3 cycles - $15,500

I think I've decided that the 3 cycles for $15,500 is the way to go for me if I do it. I would be totally annoyed if I paid the $19,500 for the guarantee and it take only one or two tries, and I think my chances are really good for it to work in one or two tries (but then there's the TWINS panic). I had considered paying for a cycle at a time, but at that cost, 2 cycles will cost more than the 3 cycle deal. I'm not totally convinced that I want to go the IVF route though. I hate the idea of having the equivalent to another car payment for the first few years of my kid's life. Especially at a time when money will be tight with full time daycare (not to mention all the other stuff like diapers and probably formula).

I just hate dropping the $1,000 every month for the IUIs which seem to have terrible success rates. Then there's planning for siblings. I originally bought 6 vials of sperm, and I really don't feel like buying any more. The benefit to doing IVF is that it (usually) only takes one vial and I will likely have some embryos to freeze for siblings, thereby eliminating the need to purchase and store sperm, and fork over a bunch of money for more IUIs in a few years when I'm in the "high risk" age-group. If the IUI's don't seem to be working for me now (at least after a decent amount of time), they sure as hell aren't going to get any better over time.

Gah, what to do, what to do.

Drive-by

5dpIUI#2 quick check in.

I've been really good about not obsessing over every little thing. I think about it, but I'm not allowing myself to obsess. It's hard, but having other distractions makes it a little easier. It's when I'm bored that the thoughts start creeping in.

I have noticed a lot of CM, and I had some weird cramping last night and this morning, which I chalked up to gas/indigestion. Then this afternoon the beginnings of a cold sore popped up on the edge of my lip (dammit). I've never had one of those, and at first I didn't know what hell was growing and tingling on my lip. So, at lunch today I stopped into CVS and picked up a topical ointment for it which I really hope makes it go away. Not once did I think about whether or not I should use the ointment. I had totally forgotten. I chalked up the cold sore to all the stress I have going on at work. Which, speaking of stress, I have also managed to convince myself that this IUI didn't work for several reasons: 1) I have too much stress 2) The odds are against me 3) It would be far too easy, and things are never that easy 4) I am just not that lucky.

I feel that I likely will have to make a very difficult decision about whether or not to do IVF. And that freaks me out more than anything, because I still have doubts that creep up on me every now and then, especially during the 2WW.

Quick n' easy

This IUI went much better than last time. Different nurse this time and she said my cervix was nice and open with good mucus. My donor gave me 37mil thawed little swimmers and they went right in. My question though is, if my cervix is open, how does the sperm stay in and not come out? I just went to the bathroom and had some stuff come out. It reminded me of going to the bathroom after having sex and all the stuff goes "plop plop" out. I hope my little guys stayed in. Have had a bit of cramping this afternoon too and can't wait to get home and go to bed. I didn't sleep a wink last night and am really tired now.

All aboard the crazy train. I am determined to snooze right through these two weeks.

Crazy train approaching

Well, tomorrow morning is IUI#2 and so far, I'm feeling pretty good about it. I have to confess though, the first trigger shot I didn't do myself. Long story short, I have a "friend" that I have been seeing on occasion who gave me the first shot. Said friend wasn't available last night to give me the shot so I was on my own. I have to say that it wasn't bad at all. I was pretty worked up about it and after having some pain, bleeding and trouble in one spot, I moved to another and the needle slipped right in painlessly.  YAY me!

Here's an issue you don't come across everyday. I carry a firearm pretty much 24/7 (and no, it's not an option) which means I have to qualify several times a year. Bullets are made of lead and pregnant women are not supposed to be exposed to lead. In the field, pregnant agents are exempt from shooting live rounds and get to qualify on a super-high tech virtual reality system. It's really cool. Unfortunately, I am not in the field and ride a desk at the moment and don't have access to that. Also, I'm not really pregnant yet, but after tomorrow I might be. And firearms quals is on Friday. Bugger. I called the firearms instructor and had to tell him that on Friday I "might be" pregnant which only served to confuse the poor guy. So then I had to delicately tell him that I was going in to have the "deed done" tomorrow and he still didn't get it LOL. So I finally told him that I was having a fertility treatment and that I would be getting "maybe" pregnant tomorrow, and that I wouldn't know if it worked for a couple of weeks. Poor guy. It was funny and he was cool about it and said he'd order me some lead-free rounds.

The crazy train leaves the station tomorrow. Let's hope it's not a bumpy ride.

$$$$$$

Just got 2 bills for that stinkin HSG that I didn't want to take. My first thought was omfg, what the hell insurance company!? But then I got online and looked at my coverage and see that it could have been a lot worse and somehow I got off a little easier. And if I didn't have the insurance at all, it would have been ridiculous.

This leads me to my Expenses spreadsheet that I have been keep throughout this process. I'm a big nerd, but it's neat to be able to see everything all laid out nice. It has 5 columns: Date, Expense, $ w/Insurance, $ w/out Insurance and Actual. This way I can keep track of all the things insurance does and does not pay for. I also wrote a quick equation that puts the totals in two columns. So far, counting IUI#2 probably on Thursday, I have spent $6,498.85 out of pocket. This includes everything from 6 vials of sperm, to OPKs, to the DSR fee to sperm shipping fees. If I didn't have the insurance, it all would have cost $21,177.46. For two cycles of medicated/monitored IUIs. Ouch.

How's that for perspective? Now I'm not so mad about having to pay $142.86 for the HSG.

huh

Well, I guess I had my measurements wrong on Thursday. Seems the two follies were only at 13 and today they were at around 15. This kinda blows because it means I likely won't have IUI#2 until later in the week and of course Weds-Fri are really bad days to be at the doctor in the morning. Long story short, but my stupid HOA is pressure-washing the garage and you can't have your car parked between 8 and 5 (I don't know why all 3 days, but they're threatening to tow). If I go to work it's no biggie. I leave before 8 and don't get home until after 5:30. But, if I have to go in for the IUI one of those mornings, I don't have to be there until 10am, which means I won't go to work that morning, which means I won't have anywhere to park my car until I leave. gah.

It would be cool though and much more convenient if I could trigger Thursday night and go in for the IUI on Saturday morning.
*fingers crossed*

Quickie

Just stopping by for a minute.

Nothing new to report. Today was CD14 and yesterday's monitoring showed 2 little follies at 15. I go in again tomorrow and I'm betting they'll be around 17. I would love for them to be bigger so I can trigger sooner, but we'll see.

Looks like I very well may have 2 eggs this round which is good, but the doctors keep mentioning the potential for twins which scares me.

A lot.

Not so bitchy

A little better today. Got my clomid and am going in tomorrow morning for CD3 U/S and bloodwork.

Just angry and annoyed to have to do this all over again. I can't imagine how so many of you have dealt with 4, 5 and even 6+ cycles of this.

bitchin

The nurse finally called me back. Of course it was a bad time but I have to take their calls when it's good for them, because when I call, I have to leave a message and they call back some time (hours?) later. It's very inconvenient.

Anyway. I have told the clinic twice today that the pharmacy does not have authorization for refills on my clomid. The clinic keeps telling me they do. I called the pharmacy to get my refill (because I need to start it on Monday morning) and they tell me they can't get the refill authorized by the doc until Monday at 5:00pm because they need the doctor's authorization. If the damn clinic had listened to me both times I told them I needed them to call, then I could have picked up the damn prescriptions tomorrow and had the clomid on hand to take Monday morning. But NO...

I am irritated. I will call the clinic again tomorrow morning and leave yet another message to tell them to get off their asses and call the damn pharmacy so I can pick up the damn clomid.

gah.

Do you hear that?

It's the fat lady and she's singing at the top of her lungs.

And I am dying from cramps. This is horrible. I wonder if the medication actually made AF this much more painful. I mean, it's never fun, but sheeeeesh.

I called the clinic and left a message. The nurse should be calling me back this afternoon.

~ding ding~ Round 2 ~ding ding~

Blogger Award

Not sure if I'm doing this right but here goes anyway...

Shannon at Chasing Rainbows nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. Thank you Shannon!
The rules for the award are:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

Seven things about me (this is going to be hard, because I try really hard to keep my blog limited to the baby-making journey):

1. I am a candy junkie. It's like crack to me. I especially like the retro-candy store at Universal Studios in Hollywood.
2. People see me, a thin, young-appearing blond female and like to tell me I am incapable of doing things. I take great pleasure in proving them wrong. Constantly.
3. I hated high school so much that I took classes at the local college when I was 16 for extra credits in high school so I could graduate early. I was in night classes at the college with the parents of the kids I was in class with during the day at high school.
4. I love sexy, fast and luxurious cars. One of my favorites being the Aston Martin DB9
5. I love fruit and hate vegetables. I refuse to eat vegetables of any kind.
6. I am the real-life version of the bad-ass female agents you see on tv. No, really I am. Pretty much everyone I meet says so. It actually gets kind of annoying.
7. Despite factoid #6, I still sleep with my baby receiving blanket. Can't help it. It has gone EVERYWHERE with me; through a couple of boot camps and several military deployments to really crappy places.

Here are my award nominations:
Sarah Fain Has Starfish Envy
Baby Time Bomb
Stork Stalking
Me Plus One
Hopeful Journey To Motherhood
A Single Journey
Single Infertile Female

--

Kind of down in the dumps today. I decided to not POS until Sunday if AF doesn't show by then. She's supposed to make an appearance sometime between Sat-Mon and I'm pretty sure she's on the way. I've been feeling icky, am about to die doubled over from the cramps and I've started spotting. Tomorrow morning will be full flow and CD1.

:`( dammit

The good news in this disappointment is that I'm actually really disappointed. Right after the IUI, I had some serious hesitations and doubts about if this is really the right thing to do and if it's what I really want. Judging by how badly I wanted a positive HPT and how disappointed I am that this round didn't take, I can safely say that I really do want this.

Going to lay low this weekend and veg in front of the computer/tv.