Sucker

I knew I should have waited, because I knew it was going to be a BFN and that I would end up feeling bad. But I just couldn't help myself. I know it's still early (9 days past IUI) and the hormones could not be flowing through me enough to be detected by the test. The box says it's a 51% chance of accuracy.

But it doesn't look good.

My boobs hurt! My boobs hurt!

I'm 9dpo and I have had a terrible headache since Thursday and it's been holding steady this afternoon. I've also been cramping pretty badly these last couple of days, and when I took off my bra to get in the shower, my boobs felt heavy and slightly dull-achy.

Of course, it could all be in my head or a sign from AF, but at least it's something. Don't want to get my hopes up, but dang it, these cramps are sharp!

Still too soon to POS.

Waiting is the hardest part

This 2ww thing is more of pain-in-the-you-know-what than I was expecting, but in an odd way. For a couple of weeks before the IUI, I was busy. Really busy doing TTC things and doctor's appointments. But during this 2ww, I have nothing to keep my mind off the whole "am I?" and am instead focused on all the signs and symptoms. I have completely checked out of work which is bad, and it's a real struggle to get my head into it every day. Then I have started having doubts. This "time off" of ttc has me rethinking all that crap I worked through before I came to the decision to ttc. Not to mention, I have to go to the office at some point today. My blackberry has been blowing up since yesterday afternoon. If I had a kid, I'd be screwed. And pissed. Losing a weekend with a kid is a big deal. Of course, in situations like this, I can bring the baby in with me and it wouldn't be an issue. But still... I just keep freaking out over silly things that happen when the kid gets older. Like potty training, teaching them to drive, getting in trouble at school, heartbreak etc... which is just silly. Then I panic that a baby is so much work! How will I manage? I keep telling myself to just focus on the making-the-baby part first. That I have plenty of time to stress and worry about those other things once the kid arrives and then when they get older. It doesn't all happen right this very second. I feel crazy sometimes.

As for symptoms, if I had to make a bet as to whether or not it worked, I would bet on it didn't work. Can't say why, just a feeling I have. Of course, I have a bazillion phantom symptoms that I would swear are all in my head or just signs of AF coming. They are:

Cramping. Been cramping since the procedure.
Hormonal wackiness. I've been all over the place emotionally.
Weird dreams. This is a new and strange one. I usually only have weird dreams when I'm sick. Which I kinda am, thanks to some allergy issues.
Nausea. Don't know what's up there, but I did/do have a migraine that started Friday afternoon and is still kind of lingering this afternoon so that's probably why I've been feeling a bit green and unsteady.

I do not have any of the "usual" pregnancy signs like tender breasts or implantation bleeding.

Suckiest part is that the nurse said to not do any HPTs before 16 days because I took ovidrel and it can give false positives. gah! I will force myself to wait until next Saturday (13-14dpo) to take one.

One week and two days to go until I know for sure with bloodwork. Unless AF arrives, which she is scheduled to next weekend.

PUPO

Well, the deed is done and I am pregnant until proven otherwise. She had some difficulty getting my cervix to behave and come down but I pushed on my stomach which popped it right into place for her. I can't say that the IUI was an entirely pleasant thing to have done (sex is so much more fun), but it wasn't too bad. I have been cramping terribly since last night which is probably when I ovulated, and she said my CM looked fantastic and my lining is perfect. Couldn't ask for better circumstances and my chances are good.

We'll see. 2WW here I come.

CD20

Went in this morning for monitoring. My little follicle is at 20mm! I have to give myself the trigger shot tonight at 10pm and then I go in for IUI#1 Monday morning. I can't believe it. It kinda sucks a teeny bit that it's on Monday morning because now I have to take the morning off and burn some leave, but oh well. At least I get to sleep in.

Giving myself the shot tonight should be interesting.

CD19

Monitoring this morning went well. My little follicle is now at 18mm, which means I have to go back tomorrow and will most likely have IUI#1 on Sunday, possibly Monday.

YAY

CD17

I actually managed to skip that stupid meeting thing today so I got to go to monitoring this morning. It showed 1 follicle at about 14.5 which is still way too small so I have to go back on Friday to see where I'm at. I seem to have some really slow growing follicles. Probably explains why my cycles are so much longer than average. At this rate, I just might get IUI#1 this weekend.

We'll see.

meh

Talked to the financial counselor at the clinic this morning, and it seems there was a mistake in the billing. I am correct in that my insurance covers everything except the actual IUI procedure. Thank goodness.

Sunday's monitoring sucked though. No real follicle progress. Tons of little ones still, but only one showed any growth at all and it was only at 11.5. I was supposed to go in again on Weds, but I have a stupid all-employee mandatory meeting/conference thing all day and I have to be downtown by 8. The clinic opens at 7 which doesn't leave me enough time to do monitoring and get downtown. They said I can come in on Thurs morning, which is the plan, but that makes me nervous. I know realistically I won't have any follicles ready to go by then, but I still can't help but worry. I'm going to see how things go tomorrow and I think I'll pee on some OPKs Tues and Weds night to reassure myself and make sure I don't miss anything.

Insurance freak out

I just got a bill from the clinic for $882 for the CD2 sonogram and blood work. W.T.F!? My insurance is supposed to pay for this. The clinic checked before I started all of this and said everything except the actual insemination was covered. I checked myself and it said that all diagnostic (ultrasounds blood work etc...) are covered. Insurance paid for all the other blood work that I've had previously.

So why the bill?

I did get a statement from the insurance company on Friday covering "medical care" and "diagnostic pathology" from the same day's appointment. I don't understand....

I am FREAKED that the insurance company just decided not to pay for this, and that I'll be getting a similar bill for Thursday's sonogram and blood work. To top it off, I am supposed to go tomorrow morning for another sonogram and blood work. O.M.F.G.

And if the insurance company isn't paying for this, why the hell didn't the clinic say anything?!

*Edited to add: I just triple-checked my insurance coverage, and it says plain as day that I pay nothing for:
"Diagnostic tests provided, or ordered and billed by a physician, such as:
• Blood tests
• Laboratory tests
• Pathology services
• Ultrasounds"

My mom even checked it too and looked at the bill. She thinks they just didn't bill the insurance and sent it straight to me. I think hope she's right, and will be talking to the clinic tomorrow before they do anything else to me.

Sonogram and first follicle count

Had the CD11 sonogram and blood work today. I have 12 follicles on each ovary and they are all at 10mm. The tech kinda freaked out on me and said that was too many and that she only saw those numbers in IVF patients, which of course panicked me. She had me talk to the doctor (a different one who I hadn't seen before) who's first words were "how do you feel about twins?" So then I start panicking about have to skip this cycle and possibly the next because of travel, and then I got angry over taking the meds when in the very beginning I didn't want to. I left the clinic in a daze and wondering what the hell I was doing. My nurse called this afternoon and talked me off the ledge. She said everything was fine and I was right where she expected me to be at this stage. She said that at 10mm the follicles are nowhere near mature and we'll keep an eye on them and see which ones grow. She said she expects me to go for the IUI on Tuesday or maybe even Weds. I go back on Sunday morning for another sonogram and blood work.

This is such a roller coaster ride.

HSG

Had the HSG today. It definitely wasn't a fun time and I'm not in any hurry to do it again, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I kept hearing all kinds of horrific stories in the past few days/weeks, and every single person I came into contact with at the hospital went over the procedure and how much it hurts, so by the time the doctor actually came in, I was freaked the hell out. I brought my ipod so I could listen to some good tunes and keep my mind off what he was doing, which worked quite well, and to my surprise, it was over within one song.

Tubes all clear. Ultrasound, bloodwork and daily monitoring start on Thursday. My first vial of swimmers was shipped out today.

The Parental Units

Arrived last night. I waited until about an hour before bedtime to spring what has been not happening. Their responses were exactly as I had predicted. I mean, I couldn't have scripted it better. I answered everything Mom was going to say before she could say it and pretty much ended with "the decision has been made. This is what I'm doing and the ship has sailed. Wanna read the donor information?"

I knew Mom would be nosy as hell about the donor and I figured it was a good distraction of sorts. To their credit they seem to have accepted that this is what's happening and while I do detect a hint of incredulity, there is also a hint of excitement. And they've already started thinking/planning how and when to come out here after I have the baby. I didn't tell them that I planned that all out too.

Ha.

**Edited to add:

I JUST BOUGHT 6 VIALS OF SWIMMERS! ACK! It's really starting to happen. No going back now...