New RE

I had my consultation with the different RE and I like him infinitely better. His body language was much more open and engaged, he had kind eyes and he's been a doctor longer than I've been alive. He reminded me of Dr. Huxtable lol. He listened to what I had to say, acknowledged my efforts and concerns. He gave me choices and then provided his professional opinion/recommendations and best of all, he smiled. He showed me the respect and support that I was hoping for. He also asked about my experience with the other doctor, and I told him exactly what/how the other doctor was cold and rigid. He sat behind his desk and faced his computer. He didn't engage with me and I didn't feel like he was supportive. I said that I was sure he was a great doctor and very accomplished and successful, but in situations like these, warmth and support go a long way. Especially when you're going solo and scared that something may be wrong.

Because today is CD32 and I still have not ovulated, we have decided for the next cycle (whenever that may be sheesh) that I will go on a low dose of Clomid and get in for an HSG. He said it was up to me to have the HSG or not, but he felt it would be bad medicine if he didn't recommend it only to have me waste a bunch of money and time and then ultimately find out something was wrong. I agree that something isn't right. 45+ day cycles is a clear indication that something's up. We talked about my fears, and the possibility/probability for multiples. He knows my plans, timeline and I left the office feeling very happy and relieved.

Clomid, HSG, Ultrasound, an HCG shot and then hopefully my fist IUI is the plan for now. Hopefully AF will pay me a visit soon.

Another week down

Today is day 28 of my cycle and still no positive OPK. boo. So I called the clinic this morning and talked to the nurse about it a little. Bottom line is I should be starting a new cycle by now and not still waiting to ovulate, which I believe to be a sign of a potential problem. As much as I don't want it to be, two cycles in a row of 40+ days isn't right. She asked if I wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor and I said that I probably should. *sidenote: I'm not a morning person and this whole thing has me annoyed.* She confirmed the name of the doctor I saw last time and I flat out said that I didn't want to see him again and that I didn't like him. Then I felt bad about saying that so bluntly and apologized profusely. I don't think she was thrilled with me at that point, and said she would look to see who was available early next week and call me back. While I was waiting for her call back, I started looking for other doctors who would take my insurance and who were close by. I just wish these folks were a little more...compassionate? I don't know what I'm looking for.  Anyway, of course there isn't anyone within my manageable radius. Since I've been sneaking out from work on my lunch hour to do this, I have to keep it close by.

Well, fast forward 2 hours and she finally calls me back. This time her tone was much better and she apologized for my bad experience last time and offered another consult free of charge with another doctor. She said since I had to come back in anyway, at least I could get that appointment free. I thanked her and set the appointment up for Tuesday. I snuck out and went over at lunch to have the hormonal blood work drawn so that the doc would have it by the appointment next week. Stick #2, although this one was virtually pain-free which was very nice. Stick #1 a couple of weeks ago hurt like hell.

Watch, I'll get a positive OPK tonight. Either way, there still is a bit of a problem with a 40+ day cycle.

No guilt, but tons of impatience

Read this neato post about guilt. I wanted to link it here to share with everyone who may not have read it and so I can find it easily later on when I need to re-read it.

I've started the clean-out process in my spare bedroom (omg the closet is so full you can't even open the door!). I've been using this room as my computer/guest room, but it is going to have to become the baby's room eventually. I have a pretty sick geek setup and I'm struggling to figure out what to do with all my lovely toys. I have a 2br2ba condo which is perfect for me, but thinking about a little one in the near future has me wishing for 3br. It's not a big deal, two of us should be able to fit just fine. I just need to reorganize, redecorate and clean-out. I put an ad on craigslist for that big, beautiful monitor on the wall and have someone interested. He's supposed to come by tomorrow to see/buy. I think the majority of the other stuff is going to be split between my bedroom and the living room.

So, today was CD25 and still no sign of ovulation. OPK was a BFN and I'm very unhappy that this cycle looks like it's going to be 40+ days. Last cycle was 43 days, but the other 4 before were an average of 35. I do strongly suspect that I have an HSG and Clomid in my very near future. boo.

Microwaveable Spotted Dick

I've been peeing on OPKs for a week now with no positive in sight. I also have not been having any physical symptoms and pretty much know I don't need to peeing on sticks but I do anyway justincase. I'm betting I won't get a positive until next week.

Saw this at the grocery store a few minutes ago. It was tucked away in the corner at the bottom of a shelf, half-hidden by a promo stand. I LOL'd for several minutes, and in those few minutes I wasn't thinking about the fact that I am on CD22 and still have not ovulated. Last cycle was 43 days and I'm afraid my cycle is getting longer. Anyway, here's to some microwaveable spotted dick pudding.

Beautiful Child

So yesterday I went to a Choice Moms meeting. I picked up a few nuggets of information and some new thoughts. One of the guest speakers was a fertility doctor and I chatted with her about my experience with the RE last week. She explained the problems with having either too short or too long of a cycle and it started me worrying again. She recommended doing all the tests the RE suggested to make sure my tubes aren't blocked and starting me on Clomid to get me on a "normal" cycle. So after that conversation I had a terrible sense of dread and was fairly upset. But, by the time I got home and had really thought about it some more, I'm not convinced that I'm as screwed up as they (both docs) seem to think I am. On one hand I feel like I'm being stubborn and arrogant (I'm not a doctor, so what the F do I know?) but on the other hand I think a longer cycle is just normal for me. I could see if my cycle was messed up and fluctuated drastically like 30 days one cycle and 40+ the next or if I was skipping cycles, but it's really only a couple of days longer. Then I had the brilliant idea that maybe it's genetic. So I called my sister and asked what her cycle was like before she had my nephew (who is now 13 months old and so freakin cute I can't stand it). And what do ya know? She said hers was a little screwy and usually around 35 days or so. She also said that she had been off birth control for about a year before she got pregnant the usual way with her husband and no doctors. Before I talked to her, I was set on calling Nurse M and scheduling tests and clomid and all that crap, but after talking to her, I'm going with my gut and until I'm proven otherwise, I think I'm just fine.

So after that wacky conversation about ovulation and periods, we talked a little about "do you really wanna do this?" She also managed to channel our mother (which is never good) and hurt my feelings by saying I didn't seem very maternal. I zinged her back by saying she doesn't really know me and how would she know when we talk maybe 6 times a year and I actually see her twice, in a good year. Christ, what does she want me to do? I can't help that I have limited experience with kids. There just haven't ever been any around until my nephew came along, and I've only seen him three times since he was born, but I think I've been good with him. He loves his Auntie! When people from work bring their kids in, they gravitate to me like moths to a flame. Just because I don't show my maternal, sappy side often, doesn't mean it's not there. Sheesh.

I know Stevie wrote this song about her relationship with Mick Fleetwood, but this version and video are so beautiful, I thought I'd share it. I will definitely be playing it for my pregnant belly when the day comes.

Appt #1 and 4 vials of blood later

Had my first appointment today. I was all kinds of nervous because I had no idea what to expect or what was going to happen. I ate my lunch in my office and then snuck out. I was a few mins early and I had sent the registration paperwork ahead of time along with the blood work from my last fit for duty physical.

I have to admit, I was not impressed with the RE. After about 15 mins in the waiting room, one of the receptionists came out and brought me back to speak with the doctor. He was reading through my information (which I had emailed) so he was pretty focused on his monitor. I was expecting him to address me and maybe try to get a feel about what I wanted, how much I had researched, how much I know and how I felt about the whole process. Again, it was my first visit and I really had no idea what to expect, I just hoped that it would be like that. He pretty much went through a mental checklist about the "natural method" and the "monitored method."  I got the distinct feeling that he did not want to me to do the "natural method" where I monitor my cycle and take OPKs. Instead, he launched right into what he called the "monitored method" which involved ultrasounds, clomid, hysterosalpingogram (HSG) etc... I stopped him and said that I was only 31, my eggs should still be good and I have no reason to suspect I will have difficulty conceiving. I'm not interested in taking clomid or any other fertility drugs until I have reason to need them. 

I also can physically tell when I ovulate (most of the time). I cramp, I notice the cervical mucus, I notice the change in my acne etc... but he seem very skeptical about that which also annoyed me. My cycle averages about 34-36 days (and it varies depending on stress levels and what I have going on in my life) and he was pretty hung up on my cycle being too long and the possibility that I'm not ovulating. I don't even know what to think about that, I'm not a doctor but I didn't think it was that bad. It put me off because he didn't even want to see all the charting and stuff I've been doing and I felt like he was coming out of nowhere with that. I have been meticulous about tracking my cycle and have been able to successfully pinpoint ovulation using physical signs and OPKs. But maybe he's right, and those tests aren't that reliable and I don't ovulate. I guess I'll find out soon though. I think I felt like he was a too dismissive about my efforts. He also told me that success rates using IUI is around the 10% range, and I could swear that I've read that someone of my age and health averages success in about 3-4 tries with IUI, so that didn't seem to add up to me either. Of course, I could have read faulty info.

I finally told him that it would be much easier for me to go to a bar and pick someone up and do the deed the old fashioned way. But I want to do this right, and responsibly and at this point all I really need/want is someone to place the swimmers in my uterus and let nature take its course. So he said for this cycle, I am supposed to monitor and take OPKs and then when I get a positive OPK to call my nurse so I can schedule a progesterone test to make sure I actually did ovulate. Which means I have to wait until next cycle before I can even think about my first IUI. Boo.

My nurse (Nurse M) was pretty cool though and was totally into my charting and all the preparation work I've done.  She was much more positive and understanding. She agreed with me about not needing to start off with the "monitored method" given my age and great health. She went over what the doctor "ordered" which is the progesterone test and a bunch more blood work which I had done this afternoon. She was happy because I offered to let them run all the disease and typing blood work today and she didn't even have to ask. She gave me a packet for the cryobank with all the forms they require and said she would be the one I'll contact when I get the positive OPK.

They are a little concerned with the chem panel and CBC I had done last August. My glucose was a little high and the doc wanted to redo it. Since that is a test that I have to fast for, I suggested I wait until I need the progesterone test and do it then. Nurse M liked that idea so that's the plan.

Here we goooooo!!

Keen observers

So my boss has been dropping hints all over the place that he thinks I'm thinking about having kids. It's strange.  One of my confidants told me that he has a heck of an antenna about those types of things and that he was super supportive and crazy excited when she got pregnant (which was several years ago and they were in a different unit).  I asked if she had spilled the beans to him and she said no, but that when she first came to the unit (before we even met) he was telling her about everyone and mentioned something about me not having any kids yet, but wanting to. I swear, sometimes I think my clock is ticking so loudly everyone around me can hear it too!

Awesome article

Everything she says in this article rings true for me. What a great piece.

The best kept secret is the joy of having a baby

Doubts, Target and rambling on, singing my song

I spent yesterday bumming around the house kind of bored. And because not 10 mins go by anymore without me thinking of a baby, I started questioning my decision. I think a lot of it is because it is so hard to imagine being pregnant and having my own spawn running around. I think I was a bit lonely yesterday too. It's rare that I actually feel lonely (or bored for that matter), but I have been feeling a little off-kilter for a couple of days now. It's probably due to all the stress.  Between The Big Decision and the work drama that is going to explode on Tuesday, I think I've been thrown for a bit of a loop.

This afternoon I went over and checked out the gigantic thrift store that's close to my place. I don't know where I got the absurdly crazy idea that I could find some perfectly good, barely used baby items in that shithole. *shudder* It's been a long time since I've walked into a store that smelled that bad, and I couldn't believe how filthy everything was. There is no way in hell I would EVER put anything from that place on my child. Calling it a Thrift Store is awfully nice. It should have been called "Things The Dump Wouldn't Take (TTDWT)."

So after my terrible excursion to TTDWT, I headed on over to Target. Target is the place to go when I need an extra ounce of baby-confidence.  I was terribly disappointed in their "maternity" department. Seriously. I counted a grand total of 5 pairs of jeans, 4 styles of dresses (I don't wear dresses), a couple of frilly shirts and bathing suits. That's it, that's all they had. Finding maternity clothes for work (do they even make maternity suits?) on a budget is going to be an interesting adventure.

I made several passes through the baby isle, where I did a lot  of "ooh that's neat" and "nah, I won't want that." I also spied a beautiful bassinet that I thought would go great in my bedroom, but then I saw that it's only good for up to 15lbs, which, if my family history is anything to go by, my kid will outgrow that thing in the first month :(

I bought a box of the cheapo OPKs and a box of the expensive fancy digital ones. I had some of the cheapos at home already and figured I could use them until I get what looks like a positive and then use the fancy digital one to make sure. I should have enough to get me through two cycles. I also bought some tampons and had quite an internal argument with myself about how it makes no sense to buy getting-pregnant stuff and i'm-not-pregnant stuff at the same time. It just felt odd. I also eyeballed some prenatal vitamins but thought I should wait and see what the doc advises this week.

ugh

You know what I REALLY don't need right now? Work Stress. Yeah, the sweaty palms, dizzying, I'm-gonna-barf kind.

I'm stressed out about being stressed out which will jack up my cycle. boo.