Saturday, April 30, 2011

Approaching 30 weeks

This week I reach 30 weeks and I feel like I'm slowly losing it. The fear and panic of "what the hell have I done?" are starting to get to me. Work has been nothing but a nightmare with all the drama, assholes, long hours and weekend work. I don't know what I'm going to do if this continues after the baby comes. I can't work 12 hour days everyday and through weekends. I'll be damned if I'm going to have my baby in care every single day. Even if I only work 1 or 2 weekends a month, I'll still only get 4-6 days a month at best with my baby. What kind of life is that? They preach all the live long day about how family comes first but it's utter bullshit. The minute you say "I can't..." you lose face and any bit of respect you may have. That's one of the many downsides to the "good ol' boys" club. Then there's the "so what? Just because you're pregnant shouldn't mean you can't carry those boxes. Suck it up and quit complaining." I can't even talk about what happened when I inquired (after a fire drill) about the emergency evacuation procedures for people who can't climb 6 flights of stairs, without getting worked up and angry. I was given the eyeroll treatment and berated for "asking for special treatment." Then there's the enormous asshat who literally screamed at me, rattled off every beef, issue and complaint he had about me (he also threw in the "if you were male...." which bothers me so much I can't even explain) then called me an asshole (?) for making a snide remark when he shut a door (which requires badging and a combo) in my face as I was carrying a heavy box into the office last week. This was after I was sent to the warehouse (with bio-hazard in it) and told to retrieve some boxes off tall shelving. I am at my wits end at work. I have no recourse. If I file formal complaints, it would just make things so much worse for me. It's a temporary condition and I have to come back to work after I have my baby and will likely need any ounce of understanding I can get for those sick days and daycare issues. If I destroy my reputation by making formal complaints now, I'm doomed later and I will have NO hope of getting a transfer closer to home. But how can I get them to understand that it has nothing to do with me, that it's about keeping my baby safe and healthy?

I laid in bed, wide awake yesterday morning at 4 in full panic about work. I keep thinking that I need a different job, but the economy is so bad right now, I have absolutely no marketable skills and I can't afford a pay cut. Not to mention I have 13 years towards a pretty good retirement (granted, with 18 to go but still..) and most, if not all private sector employers no longer offer retirement packages and it would be terrible to let those years go to waste. I have pretty crappy benefits, but my health care is pretty good and it would suck to lose that. Ugh.

Then there's my dog issues. The testing I had run this past week all came back normal. This is good, but it's also bad because we still don't know what's wrong and I now need to take her for an ultrasound ($$) to check for the more serious possibilities. I have to work this weekend so today and tomorrow are out and I have my own ultrasound appointment next week and I can't take any time off. It's all so crazy. I'm desperately hoping for some time off next weekend (it's my birthday too) so it may have to wait until then. Just what I want to spend my birthday doing :`(

I have been so exhausted lately. It's bad enough that I can't hardly sleep, but everything else piling on has just wiped me out. So I am going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep.


  1. Your job sounds hideous. I'm so sorry. I completely understand the stress about how to balance a ridiculous schedule at work with a baby - I work the long, crazy hours, too, and and imagine continuing to do it when I go back. I hope something miraculous happens that makes your job better, and soon!

    I hope your dog is on the mend soon. It's so hard when our furbabies are sick.

  2. Geeze, your coworkers' attitudes are indicative of misogyny. If a guy were made physically dependent by the temporary use of crutches, I wonder if he'd receive the same treatment.

    I can empathize on working in an environment which seems to resent employees for wanting to have better work/life balance. I've been haunting USAJOBs in order to search for an organization which will allow me to keep my same job occupation and pay but also promotes teleworking. There are organizations like GSA, USPS, DCIS, OPM and DOT which seek to have better work/life balance. I figure being a single parent is going to be pretty tough, but being in an organization which permeates with a paternalistic ideology that belongs in the 19th century--that's going to make it much tougher.

    I do hope your Vet get's to the root of your dog's issues and that she heals. I also hope that your work environment lightens up or that you find better options which promote your life/family goals.

  3. I'm so sorry about your job. I really hope you can find a way to fix it. Good Luck!

  4. My mouth was open in shock reading how your co-workers treat you. Can you file a complaint anonymously?
    I definitely can relate to the stressed out feelings 30 weeks seems to bring on...not fun! I'm really trying to hold on to the "it will all work out..." because it has to. There's no other option.
    Big hugs to you (and your dog too!). I hope the good news with him continues. That would be a wonderful birthday present!!

  5. I know you don't want to file a formal complaint... but what your co-workers are doing is AGAINST THE LAW.

    Pregnancy is a protected class, a disability for sure.

    Money is important, for sure, but so is your quality of life, and the quality of life of your child. Is there any way you can scrape by with less money, but more time for you and your child? You can worry about retirement later... your life is passing you by RIGHT NOW. And none of us know how long we have... there's only TODAY. Please don't be trapped by "golden handcuffs." You deserve so much better than this.

  6. Just to give you some hope, my parents worked my whole childhood and sometimes it was long hours. They gave me their undivided attention and fun vacations when they were home. So I never really felt I missed out although my mom felt she wished she had more time with us. So there is something to be said about quality time versus quantity of time. I always felt loved and wanted.