Approaching 30 weeks

This week I reach 30 weeks and I feel like I'm slowly losing it. The fear and panic of "what the hell have I done?" are starting to get to me. Work has been nothing but a nightmare with all the drama, assholes, long hours and weekend work. I don't know what I'm going to do if this continues after the baby comes. I can't work 12 hour days everyday and through weekends. I'll be damned if I'm going to have my baby in care every single day. Even if I only work 1 or 2 weekends a month, I'll still only get 4-6 days a month at best with my baby. What kind of life is that? They preach all the live long day about how family comes first but it's utter bullshit. The minute you say "I can't..." you lose face and any bit of respect you may have. That's one of the many downsides to the "good ol' boys" club. Then there's the "so what? Just because you're pregnant shouldn't mean you can't carry those boxes. Suck it up and quit complaining." I can't even talk about what happened when I inquired (after a fire drill) about the emergency evacuation procedures for people who can't climb 6 flights of stairs, without getting worked up and angry. I was given the eyeroll treatment and berated for "asking for special treatment." Then there's the enormous asshat who literally screamed at me, rattled off every beef, issue and complaint he had about me (he also threw in the "if you were male...." which bothers me so much I can't even explain) then called me an asshole (?) for making a snide remark when he shut a door (which requires badging and a combo) in my face as I was carrying a heavy box into the office last week. This was after I was sent to the warehouse (with bio-hazard in it) and told to retrieve some boxes off tall shelving. I am at my wits end at work. I have no recourse. If I file formal complaints, it would just make things so much worse for me. It's a temporary condition and I have to come back to work after I have my baby and will likely need any ounce of understanding I can get for those sick days and daycare issues. If I destroy my reputation by making formal complaints now, I'm doomed later and I will have NO hope of getting a transfer closer to home. But how can I get them to understand that it has nothing to do with me, that it's about keeping my baby safe and healthy?

I laid in bed, wide awake yesterday morning at 4 in full panic about work. I keep thinking that I need a different job, but the economy is so bad right now, I have absolutely no marketable skills and I can't afford a pay cut. Not to mention I have 13 years towards a pretty good retirement (granted, with 18 to go but still..) and most, if not all private sector employers no longer offer retirement packages and it would be terrible to let those years go to waste. I have pretty crappy benefits, but my health care is pretty good and it would suck to lose that. Ugh.

Then there's my dog issues. The testing I had run this past week all came back normal. This is good, but it's also bad because we still don't know what's wrong and I now need to take her for an ultrasound ($$) to check for the more serious possibilities. I have to work this weekend so today and tomorrow are out and I have my own ultrasound appointment next week and I can't take any time off. It's all so crazy. I'm desperately hoping for some time off next weekend (it's my birthday too) so it may have to wait until then. Just what I want to spend my birthday doing :`(

I have been so exhausted lately. It's bad enough that I can't hardly sleep, but everything else piling on has just wiped me out. So I am going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep.

Stress

I am approaching 29 weeks already. I can't believe how fast time is flying. The c-section has been scheduled, mom and dad have booked their flights and while there are still quite a few things I still need, I do have everything that's important to have in the first week.

Of course now things are starting to go awry elsewhere in my life. Mainly with my beloved dog. I rescued her on my birthday almost 6 years ago (it'll be 6 years in two weeks) so she's somewhere between 7-8 years old. I took her for her annual physical and all her shots this weekend and the vet informed me that she's obese. Now, I know she's overweight and it's been a battle we have struggled with for years, but she just seems to be putting weight on no matter what I do. Special foods, no goodies, NEVER table scraps, more exercise (although not as much as I'd like her to have) and she still adds on a few pounds every year to where she's now about 10-15 lbs overweight. This vet (new to the practice) ran some bloodwork and one of her liver enzymes came back through the roof indicating some kind of liver disease. I am devastated. I know it's early and I have to take her to the vet in the morning for some more tests, but I just can't help feeling so scared and unbelievably sad. I keep trying to tell myself that there's a good chance that whatever it is, we caught it early and hopefully it will be treatable, but I can't bear the thought of losing my fur-baby.

Then there's the money issue. I spent $650 for all the shots, the check up, the bloodwork and her heartworm preventative this weekend and will incur another $300 tomorrow for the tests. Then she will likely need an ultrasound sometime this week which the vet said will run another $400 if they don't have to do anything else. Ironic that I tried to get doggie insurance last year and the insurance denied her coverage because they thought something in her bloodwork was off. At the time the vet's office brushed it off and said it wasn't abnormal or anything to be concerned about. I have been so upset all day and I know it's NOT good for the baby. ~sigh~ it's always something going haywire in life. Things can't ever be easy can they?

25w3d

Things have been moving along at lightening speed lately. I can't believe I'm this far along and as big as I am. It's strange to have this 13.5lb bowling ball jutting out in front of me. The 13.5lb weight gain has gone ENTIRELY to mah belleh and is the source of much amusement all around. The doctor yesterday even joked that when she came in the room she thought she had the wrong patient for a second because from the back you can't tell at all.

I feel fine with the occasional cramp or weird twinge. He moves around ALL.THE.TIME and I swear he doesn't sleep. I know I don't get much sleep because he's goofing off in there. He loves playing with my bladder which isn't really a good time for me but what can you do? The last ultrasound I had we just sat and watched him kick at the wand and punch my bladder. The tech couldn't believe how active he was.

Placenta has moved a little and is now considered low-lying previa. I made the decision to go with the scheduled c-section (after calling the insurance company 3 times to MAKE SURE they covered it) and it is scheduled for 07/07/11 with a check in time of 0730 and procedure time of 0900. Awesome.